Jack Bauer seeks out the help of ex-President Logan to stop the terrorist plot.
2:04 PM – Jack Bauer enters CTU. Look, maybe Fayed’s apartment building was only a few blocks away. But have you noticed that every building in Los Angeles is mere minutes away from CTU?
2:08 PM – Jack’s father puts a guilt trip on him for killing Graem. Wow, this guy has no soul. Suddenly Jack’s super-human ability to scream and torture makes a lot more sense.
2:12 PM – Bill Buchanan tells Jack he’ll cover up Graem’s death for him, but Jack will have none of that. He demands that Bill let him take responsibility for his actions. Man, does this guy have grapefruits.
2:22 PM – After listening to President Palmer argue with the Vice President over the interment camps, Assad warns President Palmer that his people may turn on him. I really can’t stand how they’re trying so hard to make this Osama Bin Laden character into a hero. I really don’t get it.
2:32 PM – Marilyn, Graem’s wife, tells Jack that she may have followed Graem to Gredenko’s house one evening. This is all well and good Marilyn, but how about you spill the beans and let us in on what happened between you and Jack? Seriously, do we need to take the two of you onto Maury so we can finally get this out in the open?
Oh my goodness! Bringing up Maury just put the craziest thought in my head. Let’s just say it involved Marilyn, Jack, his nephew Josh, and the words “You ARE the father.”
2:35 PM – Marilyn tells her son that she’s going off with Uncle Jack for a while. Why is it that all the teenage boys on this show are horrendously bad actors? If there’s one silver lining to The OC being cancelled, it’s that Adam Brody is now available for the role of Bill Buchanan’s grandson in Season 7.
2:45 PM – While driving to Gredenko’s, Marilyn suddenly has a look of horror on her face, which is quickly followed by a close-up of Jack’s right hand. Realizing his chances of hooking up with his dead brother’s wife have significantly decreased, Jack puts his hand out of sight.
Just a priceless seven seconds.
2:45 PM – Jack’s father calls Marilyn and threatens to kill Josh if she doesn’t lead Jack to a certain house. Marilyn looks petrified and Jack asks her if she’s alright. Despite the fact that she has a full blown “Peyton Manning Face” going, he drops the conversation.
Come on, this is the guy who will blow off both your kneecaps and cut out your tongue just to find out what you had for breakfast. He’s not going to push the issue even a little?
2:55 PM – Jack and his team enter the house that his father baited Marilyn into leading them to. Upon entering, Jack discovers a bomb. This is then followed by an obvious stunt double jumping through a window, and then another shot of said stunt double being engulfed by the flames.
2:55 PM – Marilyn now has what can only be described as the “Rex Grossman Face”.
2:57 PM – Jack Bauer is now lying on the ground without a scratch or even a hint of a burn. Believe me, I went back and watched the explosion in slow motion at least five times using TiVo. The stunt double was entirely engulfed by the flames. You gotta love 24!
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 5
The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM:
3:03 PM – I still can’t get over the fact that Jack’s clothes aren’t the least bit damaged from the explosion. Seriously, he looks like he just stepped off the set of a Gap commercial.
3:05 PM – Milo takes at least twenty shots with a handgun at three of Philip Bauer’s henchmen who are no more than thirty feet away. He fails to hit even one of them. Hasn’t this dude ever played Halo?
3:06 PM – Milo is about to be executed when Jack saves him by killing his captors at the last moment. He did the exact same thing for Morris about an hour and twenty minutes ago. Looks like somebody’s lacking in the creativity department…
3:06 PM – As she’s held at gunpoint by one of Phillip’s men, Marilyn demonstrates the “Did KG just threaten to opt out of his contract” face that every Timberwolves fan has been displaying for the past few days.
3:06 PM – Jack just appeared to hit Marilyn’s assailant in the junk, and then followed it up with this priceless yell. “ON YOUR KNEES! INTERLACE YOUR FINGERS!”
“INTERLACE YOUR FINGERS!” I love how Jack’s screaming vocabulary has expanded over the years. And in case you couldn’t tell, 3:06 PM has been an amazing minute.
3:07 PM – Jack examining Milo’s gunshot wound: “It went through and through. There’s no arterial bleed. You should be fine.”
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr. Jack Bauer!
3:07 PM – Wow. Whoever plays Marilyn is a horrible, horrible actor. Watching her tell Jack that it was his father who set him up was just painful. There are no words for this.
3:14 PM – The henchmen Jack captured is totally selling Phillip up the river. He’s not even putting up a fight. Jack just told the guy to give him the phone he needs to call his father and the dude just handed it over nonchalantly like it was a dollar for a vending machine. For once, this show has finally given us a bad guy who’s smart enough to avoid the inevitable Jack Bauer torture and just cooperate.
3:15 PM – Marilyn: “How do you know he won’t betray us?”
Jack: “Because he wants to live.”
Amazing.
3:18 PM – Josh overhears his grandfather telling his mother he will kill him. There is just no amount of therapy that will save this kid now.
3:27 PM – Morris just bought Red Bull, Whiskey, and a pack of Altoids at a convenience store. Either this is a new suicide concoction that I’ve never heard of, or just a really awkward case of product placement.
3:29 PM – Jack hands Marilyn a bullet proof vest, “I want you to put this on… under your clothes.” Things are about to get a little PG-13, folks.
3:29 PM – Jack sneaks a peak. I’m totally not making this up.
3:30 PM – Jack helps Marilyn button up her shirt. However, what was originally intended to be a sensual moment is completely overwhelmed by the close-up of Jack’s grotesque right hand.
3:37 PM – I really haven’t touched on this plot point much since it’s incredibly un-funny, but Lennox has been flirting with the idea of joining a conspiracy to kill President Palmer. He had been meeting with his dweeby assistant in this back room plotting the whole thing. After his assistant left, Lennox then had a change of heart and got on the phone to start warning the authorities. As he was leaving the room, he opened the door where the dweeb was waiting to repeatedly crack him over the head with a flashlight.
Basically, I just want to know where this dweeb came up with a steel flashlight all of a sudden. He left the room, stepped into a nicely decorated hallway, and then a flashlight kind of just magically appeared in his hand.
These are the little things that bug me.
3:54 PM – After agreeing to trade his life for Josh’s, Jack prepares to be executed by his father. But not before pouring his heart out with phrases like “I just had to go my own way” and “I felt like I was never good enough for you.”
3:55 PM – After several seconds of waiting for the bullet, Jack starts screaming for his father to “DO IT! JUST DO IT!” He turns around to find that his father up and bolted somewhere between “I just wanted to make you proud of me” and “I always blamed myself for you and mom’s divorce.”
Now you know why Jack is the way he is.
3:56 PM – Jack’s father left him a cell phone and a number to call. Jack dials and is greeted by the voice of former President Logan.
Nice twist, nice twist.
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 7
The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 PM and 5:00 PM:
4:03 PM – The Arab Ambassador from 9:19 AM makes a return. I’m telling you, this guy is going to play a major part in this season. I don’t know how yet, but it’s going to be big.
4:05 PM – President Palmer threatens to unleash a brutal military attack on the Ambassador’s country if he doesn’t get his Prime Minister to address the Muslim population. Wow, maybe The President does have some grapefruits after all.
4:08 PM – Jack promises Josh that he will sit down and talk him through what happened. You know, with them pushing this Jack-Josh bond so strongly, I’m thinking that my whole “Maury” scenario may not have been so far-fetched after all…
4:08 PM – Jack caresses Marilyn’s face before leaving her to hunt down President Logan. Um, what happened to Audrey?
Jack, you may have averted multiple nuclear disasters, survived syntox nerve gas, lived through two years in a Chinese prison, and outsmarted Ramon Salazar, Habib Marwan, and even the President of the United States. But you are fooling yourself if you think you can survive the wrath that will undoubtedly be inflicted upon you when these women find out you’re two-timing them.
4:18 PM – Chloe attempts to call Morris’ sponsor to see if he actually contacted her. She gets her voicemail and tells her to call her back at (310)-597-3781.
Wait a minute – did she just give out an actual phone number? This is going to be too good! Let me give it a call…
Ok, so my plans on torturing somebody with their 1,200th call this week of “may I please speak to Chloe O’Brien” fell through. Turns out it’s the number for the “24 Nextel Phone”. However, what’s interesting is that the message you get is entirely in Spanish. I had my fiancé translate for me, thinking it might be something cool. No dice. Basically, the lady just says that the voice mailbox is full. What a shame. This could’ve been priceless.
4:18 PM – Jack lands from his “less than 10 minute” helicopter flight to greet President Logan. Wouldn’t your morning commute be so much simpler if you were Jack Bauer?
4:29 PM – I got to hand it to the writers for bringing back President Logan. Now you’ve got President Palmer forced into releasing the man who killed his brother, and Jack Bauer having to work hand in hand with the man who basically sent him away to China.
Things are starting to heat up! When you take all this drama and add to it Jack’s having an illegitimate son with his brother’s wife, we may not miss The OC that much after all.
4:39 PM – Jack is now wearing a suit. Where on earth did he get that?
And he really needs to start holding his cell phone in his left hand from now onw.
4:40 PM – Chloe storms into the men’s room and bursts in on Morris who’s taking a dump. I’m not making this up.
4:41 PM – Morris washes his hands and leaves the restroom.
Isn’t he going to finish dropping the bomb? Or if he already did, shouldn’t he at least go back and wipe? This scene was just disturbing on many levels.
4:54 PM – The bomb has been planted and all that Lennox’s dweeby assistant has to do to kill The President is detonate it. This is a classic 24 “will they or won’t they” moment. Most shows would never have the guts to off The President. If the dweeb goes through with the plan, it will be the second time this show’s done it. You gotta love 24!
4:55 PM – Assad notices the bomb, and screams, giving President Palmer a second to flee. Lame, lame, lame.
4:56 PM – Assad is clearly dead and President Palmer looks just good enough where you know he’s still ticking. All in all though, this has been a flat-out amazing hour!
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 7
The Following Takes Place Between 5:00 PM and 6:00 PM:
5:03 PM – President Logan gives a heartfelt speech about being isolated and listening to your “inner voice”. He should really know his audience.
Jack’s inner voice tells him to kill people.
5:05 PM – The warden from Shawshank is now Secretary of Defense. I never thought I’d say this but, nice job by the 24 casting department!
5:08 PM – The dweeby assistant is so adamant about not killing Tom Lennox, that he uses the “You’ll have to kill me, too” line. I have to be honest, I was half-expecting the guy who made the bomb to put a bullet in his head right there, but the bomb specialist actually listens to him.
Did they learn nothing in criminal school? You absolutely have to kill Tom Lennox in this situation. You can’t risk him ratting you out!
5:11 PM – Tom Lennox rats them out. I hate to say I told you so, but…
Before he’s carried away to be executed for treason, let’s give dweeby assistant a big round of applause. I know that he must’ve been under a lot of pressure to perform, seeing as the casting department was really trying to nab Ryan Seacrest for the role. But he pulled off the nerdy metrosexual thing flawlessly. Job well done.
5:15 PM – The blonde lady from “Invasion” is the Vice President’s assistant. Another person who knows how to act! Man, the casting department is really on a roll this episode!
As a side note, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to look at that woman without “Mommy, you smell different.” popping into my head. Just a classic line!
5:23 PM – Apparently two years in a Chinese prison have taught him nothing because Jack Bauer just hatched a plan to sneak into the Russian Consulate and torture the ambassador until he reveals the location of Gredenko. Come on Jack, not even Ron Artest is dumb enough to charge into the stands a second time.
5:27 PM – A close-up shot of Karen Hayes’ Sprint cell-phone with a Sprint video feed of the latest news on the nuclear attack.
I know what you’re thinking: “If Karen Hayes has a Sprint cell phone, I need one too!” You gotta love shameless product placement.
5:45 PM – Jack just cut off the ambassador’s finger. How many times can you chop of somebody’s finger and not have it rank in the top five most horrific things you done that day? Yet another reason why we love Jack Bauer.
5:47 PM – The ambassador just gave up Gredenko’s location. But instead of calling CTU right away and giving them the information, Jack decides to let his guard down and walk towards the door which subsequently explodes. A flood of Russian agents capture him.
5:54 PM – A door just exploded inches away from him, but Jack Bauer’s suit looks clean and neatly pressed. No wonder he can save the world in 24 hours. Do you know how much time he saves by not having to iron or do the laundry? Apparently, he never has to pee either.
5:55 PM – Jack convinces the agent who’s guarding him that the ambassador is helping Gredenko launch the nukes. He tells him to call Bill Buchanan at (310)-597-3781. Ok, hold on a minute…
That’s the same number as Chloe’s cell phone! This show has just gotten too unrealistic. I’m not sure I can watch anymore. Having an eight minute shave, shower, and haircut or a two and a half hour cross country flight is one thing. But having Chloe and Bill have the same phone number is just completely unacceptable!
5:56 PM – Instead of just making the call to CTU while he’s isolated in the room with Jack, the Russian guard decides to head out into the hallway where he gets a bullet put through his head. What’s with the constant hesitation? Just make the call people! This is why we have cell phones!
Speaking of cell phones, for some reason I have this strange desire to go and sign up with Sprint…
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 7
Jack Bauer’s Daily Amputated Finger Count: 1
