Jack deals with some family issues as a nuclear bomb lays waste to Los Angeles.
The Following Takes Place Between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM:
10:03 AM – President Palmer does his best impression of “The Peyton Manning Face” while watching live television footage of the mushroom cloud. And yes, I’m still incredibly bitter about the Patriots AFC Championship loss last night. Thanks for asking.
10:04 AM – Say what you will about his ability to lead a nation, but President Palmer definitely has the coolest walk out of all past Commander in Chief’s.
10:10 AM – Jack just rescued two people out of a fallen helicopter before it fell to the ground causing a massive explosion. Should I be worried that the writers felt the need to kill time with this pointless side-plot less than five hours into the day?
10:16 AM – One of President Palmer’s advisors recommends hitting every Middle Eastern country with three nuclear bombs as retaliation. I’m sure that would go over reeeeeeeeal well with the rest of the world. Seriously, is there an IQ test you have to fail in order to qualify for a government position on this show?
10:18 AM – Bill Buchanan refuses to shake Assad’s hand when they meet.
10:25 AM – CTU discovers a connection between the man who supplied the terrorists with nukes and dun, dun, dun…. Jack’s father! With this twist came the realization that Jack has parents. Which means that Jack was one a young boy. Can you imagine what he would have been like as a child? Did he run around with a water gun screaming at all the other kids? Would he torture his classmates until they agreed to share their toys with him?
10:27 AM – President Palmer’s sister is incredibly annoying. I know you have a lot of undercover experience with Sandra Bullock, but just shut up and let the FBI do their job.
10:33 AM – That shady guy who was giving President Logan orders last season is Jack’s brother! I love this show!
10:39 AM – Apparently Graem’s wife had a thing with Jack in the past. That must’ve made for some pretty awkward Thanksgiving dinners.
10:40 AM – Thomas Lennox, the President’s annoying advisor, is recommending that all Arab Americans should be rounded up and put into camps. Seriously, is there a single Presidential advisor who isn’t a card-carrying Nazi?
10:47 AM – Bill Buchanan shakes Assad’s hand. I’m glad to see you were able to put all those repeated terrorist attacks behind you in the past 29 minutes Bill. Seriously, is this act supposed to make us like Bill Buchanan more? Assad is basically 24′s version of Osama. You think if Bin Laden suddenly desired to help us out, we’d be letting bygones be bygones?
10:48 AM – President Palmer’s sister is officially the most annoying character in 24 history. It’s the television equivalent of the Dumb and Dumber “Mockingbird” song every time she’s on screen.
10:51 AM – Having Graem be Jack’s brother is an amazing twist. Too bad he’s a terrible actor. He was ok last season for a few shorts clips here and there, but now that he’s getting decent screen time, he’s not believable at all. Then again, that’s how 75% of the people on this show are. It amazes me how awful a job the 24 casting department can do and yet this show still remains amazing.
10:51 AM – Graem’s son, Josh, to his long-lost uncle Jack: “Maybe we can talk sometime”
Jack: “I’d like that.”
Can you imagine Jack having a conversation with a teenage boy? The awkward silence would be inevitable. I can’t for the life of me picture Jack sincerely asking about his day at school or how things are going with the ladies. Video games may help bridge the gap as you know Jack would be amazing at games like Halo and Medal of Honor. Regardless of what happens, you know there’s a 70-80 percent chance that the encounter ends with the kid tied to a chair with a plastic bag over his head while Jack screams like a maniac.
10:56 AM – President Palmer gives one of the most awfully orchestrated Presidential speeches ever. Absolutely appalling. If I were an American citizen watching that telecast, I’d immediately start checking the real estate listings in Canada.
10:59 AM – So I guess it’s actually Graem who ends up tied to a chair with a bag over his head. But the lesson remains, “Don’t invite Uncle Jack over for dinner.”
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 3
The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 AM and 12:00 PM:
11:03 AM – Tom Lennox as President Palmer finishes his speech: “I wish he had not said that.” I agree with you completely. That speech was just painful to watch. Did we really have to kill off David Palmer? There was no way we could’ve had pull a Grover Cleveland and come back for a second term?
11:09 AM – After a round of horrible acting, Graem has revealed that he knew the nukes had been stolen, but was working with his father to help recover them without notifying the authorities. The entire time this is playing out, I can’t help but think how implausible it is that Jack and him are brothers. Look, you can sell me on the fact that Jack’s able to bend time and travel long distances in a matter of minutes, but there’s no way I’m buying that these two are brothers. There’s absolutely no chemistry. They’re clearly in a heated battle with Bill Buchanan and Karen Hayes as for the title of most contrived relationship on the show. Seriously, what’s harder to picture, Jack and Graem playing catch in the backyard or Bill and Karen making out?
On second thought, let’s move on.. I just threw up in my mouth.
11:10 AM – Jack looks longingly at Graem’s wife. I don’t know why, but I find this part of the plotline extremely funny. And by the way, what happened to Audrey?
11:16 AM – Jack tells Graem, “If I were you, I wouldn’t talk about loyalty”. This has to have something to do with Graem’s wife. At this point, I could care less about the suitcase nukes. I just want to get to the bottom of the Jack/Graem/Marilyn love triangle.
11:22 AM – Can somebody put a muzzle on President Palmer’s sister?
11:25 AM – Lennox blackmails Karen Hayes in to resigning. I really like this guy. Say what you will about his politics, the man knows how to keep the show interesting.
11:30 AM – Talk about a smooth move! Milo logs Nadia into the computer system with his password, so that she no longer has to deal with the increased security that was placed on her due to racial profiling. Jeopardizing national security – now that’s how you score points!
11:32 AM – Karen Hayes tells President Palmer that he’s done a wonderful job the past week and that she has full confidence he’ll continue to make such good decisions.
Um, Karen, less than four hours ago the President agreed to release a known terrorist who subsequently detonated a nuclear bomb on American soil and killed thousands. Don’t you think you’re using the term “good decisions” a little too loosely here? At this point, I’d have more confidence in Isaiah Thomas as president. At least with him in charge we’d only be out a few first round draft picks and be paying our government employees twice what they’re worth.
11:39 AM – Walid pulls off one of the most horrifically executed pick-pocketing jobs in television history. I know this is 24, but we’re really pushing the boundaries of believability lately.
11:44 AM – Walid gets the snot beat out of him, as President Palmer’s sister shrieks. I’m seriously considering putting the TV on mute every time she’s on the screen.
11:51 AM – Jack’s father is… The farmer from “Babe”???
Ladies and gentlemen: The “24″ casting deparment!
11:54 AM – Graem pulls off the turnaround and has Jack and his father held at gunpoint! Wow! It only took fifty-four minutes for something exciting to happen this episode!
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 3
The Following Takes Place Between 12:00 PM and 1:00 PM:
12:06 PM – Karen Hayes’ cell phone rings. Seeing that it’s her husband, Bill Buchanan, she closes the phone. Could my haunting suspicions that she’s having multiple affairs with Bob Barker, Dick Clark, and Orville Redenbacher be correct?
12:08 PM – Jack kills his captor. His first fatality in nearly two and a half hours. He’s really slipping…
12:16 PM – The NSA intercepts a call between McCarthy and Fayed along with a corrupted image of the engineer that they want to arm the remaining nukes. Morris is assigned to recompile the image.
I tell my fiancé, you know it’s going to be somebody important.
12:17 PM – After using some sort of explosive (ever heard of just kicking the door in?) to enter Graem’s house, Jack also yells for the first time. “PUT THE WEAPON DOWN! DROP THE GUN! PUT IT DOWN!”
I love it. I absolutely love it.
12:18 PM – After he just held his father at gunpoint, Jack calmly tells his nephew to “please, just take a seat”. After what’s taken place over the past few hours, you just know this kid is eventually going to end up putting on lipstick and dancing in front of a mirror like Buffalo Bill.
12:18 PM – Jack tells Graem’s wife, “Stop looking at me like this has something to do with us, because it doesn’t.” I really need to know this back story. But after what happens in a couple of minutes, I’m not sure we’ll ever get to find out.
12:20 PM – Jack’s going to interrogate Graem. I have a feeling that this is going to be amazing.
12:28 PM – Chloe tells Morris that his brother is in critical condition from radiation poisoning. I tell my fiancé that Morris is the engineer McCarthy told Fayed about.
12:30 PM – Jack has Graem injected with a neuro-inflammatory drug. The man can’t act, but he can scream.
12:30 PM – Jack is simultaneously cradling his brother and screaming “WHERE IS McCARTHY!” This is priceless.
12:32 PM – Jack’s right hand is still incredibly disgusting.
12:32 PM – “THE MACHINE KNOWS YOU’RE LYING! I KNOW YOU’RE LYING! TELL ME THE TRUTH!”
Jack has just taken his scream to a new level. The man is possessed.
12:32 PM – Graem tells Jack that he framed him for David Palmer’s assassination and the death of Tony Almeda.
12:33 PM – There is so much spit flying as Graem speaks. How much would you pay to watch him and Bill Cowher argue face to face for five minutes?
12:33 PM – If he weren’t 5’1″, the guy who plays Graem would have an incredible career as a WWF wrestler. The facial expressions that he’s pulling off right now are phenomenal.
12:33 PM – Oh. My. Goodness. Jack has officially lost it.
“WE ARE NOT THE SAME! YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU! I’LL DO IT MY WAY! 4 MORE CC’S! TAKE OUT THE SYRINGE! YOU @#$@! DROP YOUR WEAPON! DROP IT!”
We all knew this day would eventually come. You can only fight terrorists without food and sleep for so long before you snap. I have a feeling that these past five minutes will become the 24 equivalent to Saved By The Bell’s “I’m So Excited!” Scene. There’s just no topping this and no going back from here.
12:40 PM – Ugh. President Palmer’s sister. Tell you what Jack, you can skip finding the nukes and just kill her. I think everyone would agree this is a fair trade off.
12:44 PM – Jack has a heart to heart with his father. I tell my fiancé that Jack’s father is a bad guy.
12:49 PM – Lennox talks to the Vice President about their plans. Why is it that either the President or the Vice President is a dirtbag on this show? But personally, I’m just happy to see that they didn’t cast Eugene Wilson in this role.
12:52 PM – President Palmer just gave a heartfelt speech about upholding the Constitution. Unsurprisingly, it was terrible.
12:52 PM – Morris is the engineer! Who would’ve guessed it???
12:55 PM – Jack’s father requests to speak with Graem alone. Uh-oh. He then reveals that he’s a part of the plan and everything so far was a set-up. For those of you counting at home, I’m 2 for 2.
12:57 PM – Jack’s father kills Graem so he won’t crack under the pressure and reveal their plan. Wouldn’t it just have been easier to kill Jack back at the beginning of the hour and stop the investigation right there? You gotta love 24!
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 3
The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM:
1:02 PM – Jack is flying high over Los Angeles. Fifteen minutes ago he was in his brother’s living room. Impossible? No. But you have to wonder where they find the room to land all these helicopters in Los Angeles.
1:08 PM – After being pursued by Jack in the helicopter, McCarthy has the blonde chick pull their car under an overpass so they can switch vehicles and evade him. While McCarthy’s looking for a car, Milo tells Blondie that McCarthy’s behind the nuclear attacks and that she can save thousands of lives by turning on him. She appears legitimately surprised and distressed.
1:08 PM – Oh! Across two side by side eighteen wheelers – that’s where they land helicopters in Los Angeles! My bad.
1:09 PM – McCarthy’s been standing on a six-lane Los Angeles highway for a solid two minutes now and not a single car has passed him.
1:09 PM – The girl has the gun. This is where any decent human being would just put a bullet in McCarthy. And seeing as the girl appeared upset to know that she was involved in the nuclear attack, you would expect her to do just that. But this is 24, so you know that’s not happening.
1:11 PM – The chick just put a bullet in McCarthy!
1:11 PM – …But she didn’t do it to stop the attacks. Rather, she killed McCarthy so she could have the full cut of the seven million. Sorry, but I’m really not buying that. And further more, if you were going to kill McCarthy because CTU had no idea you existed and you could slip away with the money untraced, why why why would you shoot McCarthy and leave his bloody body in the middle of the road, making it clear that there was a second person involved? I really think this lady missed her calling on this show as a presidential advisor.
1:17 PM – Tom Lennox throws a hissy fit and decides to resign from his position because President Palmer shot his internment camp proposal. His dweeby assistant proceeds to make a phone call to his secret boss and hatch a plan to assassinate the President. The plot thickens…
1:20 PM – Graem’s son is told that his father is dead.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
1:20 PM – Jack finds McCarthy’s body in the middle of the street and a cell-phone which can lead them to Fayed. This whole deal with Blondie is clearly a case of the writers contriving a completely ridiculous situation to help move the plot along.
1:21 PM – About thirty seconds after entering Fayed’s apartment it’s incredibly clear that he’s going to kill Morris and Blondie once the bombs have been armed. But she’s still holding out for that seven million…
1:28 PM – Assad enters the Presidential bunker. At 10:47 AM, less than three hours ago, Assad was shaking hands with Bill Buchanan inside CTU in Los Angeles. Now he’s underneath the White House in Washington DC. I believe this has unquestionably topped Jack Bauer’s eight minute shave and haircut from earlier in the day as this show’s most unbelievable manipulation of time.
The writer’s probably feel safe making up impossible situations like that knowing the general public would never pick up on details like that. But they never counted on the DeROK.Net 24 Running Diary. This can only lead to two outcomes. Either next season will be pristine in its timing, or a black van will pull up next to me and three guys in ski masks will gag and tie me and you’ll never hear from me again.
Um, on second thought, the government probably has really fast planes…
1:30 PM – President Palmer wants Assad to appear on American television and appeal to the Muslim community to cooperate with the government.
Worst. Plan. Ever. Can you imagine them doing this with Osama?
1:34 PM – Fayed just burrowed through Morris’s shoulder with an electric drill. Jack Bauer should take some notes.
1:35 PM – To modify a quote from Shawshank – “I’d like to think the last thing that went through Blondie’s head, other than that bullet, was that she never had a prayer of pulling off this ridiculous plan.
1:45 PM – Jack Bauer kills two terrorists as he enters Fayed’s apartment.
1:50 PM – Jack discovers that Fayed left a nuclear time bomb behind for them. Just wait, things are about to get extremely illogical…
1:51 PM – Chloe tells Jack that he’s got about three minutes to disarm the bomb before it explodes. This prompts me to ask the question of why Fayed would set a nuclear bomb to go off in nine minutes when he’s running away on foot.
1:51 PM – And here’s the answer… “Witnesses report seeing a chopper take off a few minutes ago.” I won’t even go through the logistics of how Fayed could crawl six stories down the wall of the apartment building, go through the sewer system, and hop on a chopper in four to five minutes. I also won’t ask how he thought he could possibly escape the explosion when earlier, helicopters were falling from the sky twenty miles away from the first bomb. I just wont.
1:53 PM – Jack Bauer disarms the bomb. Seriously, were you even the least bit worried?
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 5