CTU is under attack as the final hours of Day 6 tick away…
2:07 AM – Nadia and Doyle share a passionate moment as Milo looks on disapprovingly.
Look, it was already unrealistic enough that someone as smoking as Nadia would go for Milo and his oily mustache. But the fact that there’s something developing between her and Doyle, a guy with no personality who can barely string together two coherent sentences, is just unthinkable.
2:08 AM – Cheng starts giving orders to his henchmen about their impending attack. Strangely enough, his top aid appears to be Mookie from Survivor: Fiji.
2:13 AM – Marilyn and Josh reappear. Josh is watching news coverage of the nuclear bomb and he tells his mom that he wishes he was never born so he wouldn’t have to be a part of his sick family.
You think this kid is messed up now, wait until he finds out that his mother is seducing Uncle Jack.
2:14 AM – The Peyton Manning face is in full effect as Chloe tells Marilyn that Audrey Raines is still alive.
2:18 AM – Marilyn, making a last ditch effort to win the affection of her dead husband’s brother, attempts to play the role of concerned sister-in-law.
2:19 AM – In a very subtle, yet very funny moment, Chloe gives Marilyn a look of disgust when she pulls out the “I just want you to know that whatever happens, I’ll be here for you” line.
2:23 AM – Cheng reveals the target of the attack is… CTU! Beep, boop. Beep, Boop…
This would’ve been a surprising twist had FOX not blasted promos for this episode all over the TV and radio this weekend touting an attack on CTU.
2:28 AM – Chloe and Morris bicker some more. Do me a favor and wake me up when this is over…
2:34 AM – Yeah, you know the network is trying anything to recover from this season’s plummeting ratings when they’re stooping to having the chick from Invasion waltz around in her unmentionables.
In other news, I’m pretty sure that Tom Lennox just had a heart attack.
2:43 AM – As Cheng’s men storm CTU with their guns firing, Jack manages to pick up a gun from a downed guard and pick off one of them. We’re at 22 and counting on the day…
2:44 AM – Jack just shot a guy from underneath the stairs. After multiple slow-motion TiVo reviews, I’ve decided that Jack definitely caught him in the leg and there’s no way it’s a kill. Am I taking this kill count thing a little too seriously?
2:44 AM – Make that twenty-three…
2:44 AM – “Mookie” asks for the director of CTU to stand up. Milo beats Nadia to the punch and declares that he’s in charge. He subsequently takes a bullet to the head.
I want to officially go on record as saying that if they kick of Season 7 with Nadia and Doyle married, I’m turning the TV off and never coming back.
2:49 AM – Two of Cheng’s henchmen discover Marilyn and Josh and radio back to Cheng saying they’ve “found Bauer”. As they attempt to bring them back to Cheng, Uncle Jack shows up and puts a cap in them.
2:50 AM – Marilyn returns to all-out screeching mode and her eyes pop out of her skull as she tells Jack the men were after Josh. Once again, just painful to watch.
2:51 AM – This whole time, Jack’s been carrying around an assault rifle that he picked up from one of the bad guys.
How is this fair? If you gave Jack a spoon, he’d have no problem killing every one of Cheng’s men. Now he’s got an assault rifle?
2:51 AM – In an attempt to level the playing field, Jack shoves the rifle into the blades of a fan so Josh can crawl through CTU’s ventilation system.
2:51 AM – As he does this, Cheng’s men burst onto the scene and take Jack captive.
Like Cheng wouldn’t have given explicit orders to kill Jack Bauer on sight? He kills people with his teeth! He’s America’s only hope! How do you not put a bullet in him in this situation?
2:58 AM – Cheng puts in the call… to Jack’s father! He tells him that Josh is safe and that he needs to deliver the circuit board for the nuclear component.
You know, I’m almost excited about this.
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 25
The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 AM and 4:00 AM:
3:03 AM – Ears bleed across America as Marilyn starts screaming like a wild jackal when Cheng’s men take Josh away. Unfortunately, Jack intervenes and prevents “Mookie” from killing her. Why, Jack? Why?
3:05 AM – Jack, Nadia, and Milo pull off a sneak attack on Cheng’s men. For computer geeks, Nadia and Milo fare a little too well against armed Chinese soldiers. Jack adds two notches to his belt by using one soldier as a human shield to take oncoming bullets and then taking that soldiers gun to mow down the one who fired the shots. This is the kind of action that’s been sorely lacking in this second half of Season 6.
3:06 AM – Jack just gave Mookie an uppercut to the jewels. If my count is correct, that’s now two groin shots by Mr. Bauer today.
3:06 AM – Jack snaps Mookie’s neck. Talk about adding insult to injury.
3:07 AM – Doyle shows up just in time to kill the soldier who’s about to shoot Nadia. As if emotions weren’t running high enough, he asks her if there were any casualties.
“Just one. Milo Pressman.”
“Are you, ok?”
“No.”
This is followed by an awkward pause where Doyle looks concerned, yet at the same time gives Nadia the up-down and subtly licks his lips.
I really don’t know what to make of this, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to.
3:12 AM – Cheng puts Josh on the phone with his grandfather, who tells him that he wants to flee the country with Josh to China.
Seriously, this is what the season has come down to? This is the writer’s end game – Jack having to save Josh from being kidnapped to China? We’re supposed to care about this?
3:14 AM – Just before Cheng escapes in a car, Jack pops out of a hole in the ground and pops the driver. He’s really been on a role these past 15 minutes!
3:15 AM – Doop, doop, doop… Another one bites the dust…
3:15 AM – Doop, doop, doop… Another one bites the dust…
3:15 AM – …And another one gone, And another one gone,
3:16 AM – Another one bites the dust!
3:17 AM – Cheng has the “Mark Cuban, my Mavericks just got whupped by the 8th seeded Warriors” face going as Jack has him at gun point. Unfortunately, Josh slips on the piping and is in danger of falling to his death. Cheng escapes when Jack goes to rescue him.
3:26 AM – In a rare moment of comedy, Tom Lennox breaks out with “And finally, we’re done” as the chick from Invasion finishes her, um, assignment.
3:30 AM – The chick from Invasion is discovered by her lover and a massive brawl ensues, culminating with the Russian spy strangling her for a few seconds until the FBI bursts onto the scene.
3:38 AM – Ben Kramm, who’s clearly missed his calling as a low-budget game show host, arrives at CTU to make a full investigation into the attack by the Chinese. Where do they find these people?
3:41 AM – Tom Lennox informs Daniels that the chick from Invasion is unconscious and in serious condition.
The guy didn’t have his hands wrapped around her neck for more than five seconds. She’s been out for eleven minutes?
3:47 AM – Oooooh! Those sneaky Russians were monitoring their spy and knew that he was apprehended and his transmissions were fake! In yet another teleconference sponsored by CISCO, President Subarov threatens to bring down the hammer if CTU doesn’t recover the component in… get this… 3 hours!!!
Ok, ok. I’m just messing with you. It’s really two hours. Good thing, cause there’s only two hours and thirteen minutes left in the day. So three hours would mean that we’d either miss the moment of climax, or the show would have to be renamed “25”. That President Subarov has impeccable timing!
3:53 AM – Knowing that the Chinese have ruined his plan, Philip Bauer calls up Vice President Daniels and tells him that he has the component. He offers to give it up in exchange for Josh and safe passage to the country of his choosing. Daniels agrees.
Ooooh! Does this mean we’re in for a renegade mission by Jack where he has to disobey the orders of the President? We haven’t had one of those in like, two hours.
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 33
The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM:
4:03 AM – Doyle shares a heart to heart moment with Josh, before he sells him up the river and hands him over to Philip Bauer.
It’s actually kind of eerie how much those two look alike. Is it possible that they’re father and son in real life? Is bad acting a genetic trait?
4:07 AM – Jack Bauer calls Karen Hayes and asks her to help him subvert the President’s plan. He says that his father is lying and won’t hand over the component even if he gets Josh. Karen Hayes agrees.
Look, even if Philip is probably going to go back on his word, you can’t try to undermine the President on this one. He’s making the right call. Yeah, he’s putting an innocent boy in danger’s way, but he’s doing so to prevent World War III. I just don’t get why we’re supposed to support Jack on this.
4:09 AM – Bill Buchanan gets a little feisty when an FBI agent starts looking through the family photo album!
Whew! Just when I was starting to think that Season 6 was getting slow…
4:09 AM – In yet another emotionally charged telephone conversation, Karen Hayes phones Bill Buchanan for help.
“Karen, what do you want me to do?”
“Whatever it takes.”
Rumor has it that CBS is considering giving these two their own spin-off sitcom on Monday nights to replace “King of Queens”.
Ok, I making that up. But in a world where the Geico Cavemen are coming to ABC next fall, I don’t blame you for believing me.
4:21 AM – More screeching from Marilyn… Eesh! Of course in the middle of her rant she started screaming about calling her lawyers and suing everyone. Yeah, like that’s going to happen…
4:23 AM – Morris talks to Doyle over his headset and tells him that even though a lot of people don’t agree with it, he thinks that what Doyle is doing is absolutely necessary. Doyle tells Morris that when he wants his opinion, he’ll ask for it.
Yet another very random and awkward Doyle moment.
4:25 AM – Bill Buchanan attempts to ram the car transporting Jack. Bill heads towards the car while the lead agent holds him at gunpoint. Bill rambles on about how the agent can’t possibly believe what he’s doing is right, and how he needs to hold up the constitution, and how the President’s orders are illegal. During this monologue, Jack manages to overtake the agent and the two of them escape.
Again, I just don’t see how what the President is ordering is wrong or illegal. I think when you’re trying to stop the slaughter of hundreds of American troops and avoid a major war, using a kid as a bargaining chip is acceptable. Especially when you’re going to do everything in your power to get the kid back. This bugs me.
4:31 AM – A random dude shows up at CTU and Chloe runs up to him and gives him a hug. It’s Milo’s brother, Stewart.
Milo and Stewart – The first two names I would give my kids if I wanted them to get pounded by the bully at recess every day. What were Mr. and Mrs. Pressman thinking?
4:43 AM – Philip Bauer’s men finally appear to pick up Josh.
What a shame. I was really enjoying the past forty minutes of watching Doyle and Josh wait around on the beach. Talk about your “action-packed” finale!
4:44 AM – Doyle picks up the “component” off the ground to verify it’s authenticity. As soon as he opens it, it explodes in his face.
Knowing that you’re dealing with Jack’s father, what were the odds of that being an exploding fake component? 1:50? Why would you ever open it up like that?
4:47 AM – It’s a miracle! Jack’s disfigured hand has spontaneously healed! He’s holding his cell phone talking to Nadia and there’s absolutely no sign of scar tissue!
I knew they’d never keep that up for 24 hours!
4:55 AM – Jack tells Nadia that Doyle will be blind in at least one if not both eyes.
I saw this coming when the massive fireball that nearly encompassed Doyle’s entire body only left damage on his eyes and forehead. I can’t wait for the inevitable Season 7 cameo of the eye-patch sporting Doyle.
4:56 AM – Chloe randomly faints as the timer starts to beep…
Ok?
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 33
The Following Takes Place Between 5:00 AM and 6:00 AM:
5:04 AM – Chloe, now conscious, gets seen by a doctor.
By the way, in the past eight minutes or so I’ve figured out the reason for the random fainting spell. The writers are going to make Chloe pregnant so she’ll stop working at CTU and be able to join Jack in New York for Season 7.
5:07 AM – Milo locates an oil rig off the coast owned by Philip Bauer and uses infrared to verify there’s people on board. Rather than risking the lives of many men and potential failure to acquire the component, Vice President Daniels orders an air assault on the rig. Tom Lennox looks on disapprovingly since Josh, an “innocent” boy is on the rig.
Again, it stinks that Josh is being put in danger, or in this case killed. But are you really going to jeopardize the lives of all those soldiers and start a massive war over one boy? Do what you can to save him, but don’t compromise the fate of the free world. I really can’t stand how the writers, who are obviously out of ideas at this point, are conjuring up this fake moral dilemma to kill time for the final two hours.
5:08 AM – Jack: “I’m not doing this because he’s my nephew. I’m doing it because he’s an innocent kid being written off as an acceptable loss. It’s wrong.”
Again, what is the Vice President supposed to do? What’s your solution? Well, I mean other than send you out to the oil rig so you can snap all their necks and scream like a maniac while you gun the rest down…
Ok, you got me.
5:20 AM – Jack and Bill arrive at the rig. Jack mows down three of Cheng’s men using an assault rifle from the helicopter. Then, according to a count made by multiple slow-motion TiVo replays, five more by shooting oil drums, making them blow up. Then another four with another exploding oil drum, which also wounds Cheng. Twelve kills in twenty seconds. That has to be a new Jack Bauer record!
5:26 AM – Add another two to the kill count!
5:27 AM – While Philip is busy untying his escape boat, Josh grabs a wrench and beats him over the head with it, and then, in a very Jack Bauer-esque moment, takes Philip’s gun and shoots him with it. Looks like my whole “paternity test” theory is shaping up to be true…
5:28 AM – “Josh, lower you gun. I know how scared and angry you must feel. I know. I’ve been exactly where you are. I know exactly how you feel. But you’re gonna have to trust me on this, you do not want to live with the pain of taking another person’s life, even if you think they deserve it.”
After that cheesy speech what are the odds that Season 7 is in New York because he’s changed careers and is now the host of a new talk show, Dr. Jack? 50-50?
5:29 AM – Jack refuses to carry out his father’s request to shoot him and end his life. Instead, Jack tells him that he’s going to be held accountable for his actions. But when Philip reasons that Jack doesn’t have time to carry him to the chopper, he’s forced to leave his father’s fate to the air assault.
How convenient! And right next to the escape boat too! You don’t sense the shocking reappearance of Philip Bauer in the Jack’s future do you?
5:30 AM – With the air strike closing in, Bill is forced to take off from the oil rig. Why am I getting visions of Jack Bauer making a heroic leap onto the lower bar of the chopper a second before the rig explodes?
5:31 AM – Oh, that’s right. Because this show has become incredibly cliché’s and predictable! Although in the writer’s defense, it was a rope that Jack latched on to, not the lower bar of the chopper.
5:33 AM – Vice President Daniels informs President Subarov that the air strike was successful and the component has been destroyed.
So, uh, what are we going to do for the next 27 minutes?
5:34 AM – Jack purposely lets go of the rope and falls into the ocean. As he swims to shore, Jack motions for Bill to leave without him.
Am I the only person who found it funny that after launching the assault on the rig, leaping onto the helicopter, dropping forty feet into the ocean, and swimming to shore, Jack managed to hang onto his man-purse the entire time?
5:43 AM – Whaddayaknow? Chloe’s pregnant!
5:45 AM – Marilyn is reunited with Josh.
You know, it’s kind of strange to see her running after watching her in a wheelchair last night while catching up on “Heroes”.
5:47 AM – Jack sneaks into Secretary Heller’s home and gives us the final scream of the day. “YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!”
5:53 AM – After listening to Heller’s argument that Jack can never get out of this line of work and that there will always be a day where’s he thrown back into these situations, Jack agrees that Audrey is safer apart from him and he goes to her room where she’s sleeping and says his final goodbye.
What does this mean? Well for one thing, Jack’s going to be a complete homicidal lunatic come Season 7. Can you imagine how insane Marilyn’s screeching is going to drive him over the next year or two?
5:59 AM – A deeply troubled Jack Bauer stares out into the Pacific while the final seconds of Day 6 slowly tick away.
So that’s “24” Season 6! It started out amazing and ended, well, not very amazing at all. It just felt like the entire show ran out of steam about six hours ago and the writer’s were scrambling to fill time. Had this season been called “18”, I think it would’ve gone down as one of the best ever.
So we all know that Jack Bauer will return next January for another day of chaos, but will DeROK? I’ll definitely tune in. But as far as another running diary? I’d really have to think that one over. This actually ended up being a lot more work than I’d bargained for at 17,259 words, and covering the last six hours was just painful. The Season 7 promos would have to knock my socks off for me to even consider it. But we’ll see…
Now, onto the final business of the day – the official results of the kill count.
Jack Bauer’s Day 6 Kill Count: 47
Forty-seven people! One short of a kill every thirty minutes! For you or me, that would undoubtedly mark the most horrific day of our lives. But it’s just another day in the life of Jack Bauer.
Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop…
