Jack Bauer returns from China with a vengeance!
So here’s how we’re going to do this. I’m going to watch each episode of 24 Season 6, and then keep a minute-by-minute running commentary highlighting anything that’s unusually funny, lame, unrealistic, or awesome. If this turns out how I think it will, it should be a very entertaining read. If this ends up being incredibly lame, you can send Jack Bauer to shoot me in the knee caps and scream in my face. Deal? Now, onto the diary.
Wait a sec. Is it just me, or is it really lame to call this a “diary” when we’re talking about 24 and Jack Bauer? I guess “journal” or “commentary” could work. But they seem equally as lame, and don’t have the comedic value of being so horrible. So diary it will be…
The Following Takes Place Between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM:
6:02 AM – A shocking twist is revealed as Wayne Palmer, David Palmer’s brother is now The President of the United States. Well, it would have been surprising if TV Guide and every other magazine hadn’t let the cat out of the bag two weeks ago. To be honest though, I’m not really buying Wayne as the Commander in Chief. This is kinda like having Frank Stallone star in a Rocky movie.
To clear things up, I’m not covering every plot point along the way, here. That would take far too much time and be pretty boring. This is meant to be a supplement for those of you who have already watched the show. So I’m writing with the assumption that you know what’s going on.
6:05 AM – Hey! The guy who got Theresa pregnant on The OC has managed to nail down a management position at CTU!
6:06 AM – Chloe has her butt grabbed by Morris and is called a “hottie”. Very confusing. I realize Chloe’s a big fan fave, but to me she’s always been annoying and not too easy on the eyes. Maybe it’s just me, though.
6:08 AM – Jack Bauer returns to the United States. I have goose bumps.
6:09 AM – Apparently Jack came down with leprosy in China, because his right hand is disgusting.
6:13 AM – Jack accepts his death mission and goes to the sink to clean up. Note the time.
6:17 AM – Bill Buchanan and Karen Hayes are now married. Old people love. Creepy.
6:21 AM – Jack Bauer managed to shave off a full beard, get a hair cut, shower, and get on route to his destination in eight minutes. And you know what? I completely believe it.
6:26 AM – “Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing. The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China is that I didn’t want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something. My way. My choice.”
Jack Bauer’s monologue just unquestionably eclipsed Rocky Balboa’s “If you can change, and I can change, we all can change!” as the “greatest speech ever.”
6:33 AM – Kumar from “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle” is now on 24. However, this isn’t even remotely as disturbing or inappropriate as when Samwise Gamji was running CTU.
6:47 AM – In a classic “I’m about to kill the good guy, but first, I must give in to the irresistable urge to reveal the details of my evil plan” moment, Fayed tells Jack that he is actually the one behind the terrorist attacks.
6:51 AM – Jack Bauer just killed a man using only his teeth. You can’t make this stuff up!
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 1
The Following Takes Place Between 7:00 AM and 8:00 AM:
7:02 AM – Jack Bauer informs President Palmer that they are targeting the wrong man and that the head of the terrorists is actually Fayed. True to form, The President ignores Bauer and decides to go ahead and order an air strike on the only man who knows where Fayed is. Seriously, why doesn’t America just elect Jack Bauer as President? He can still go around and kill everyone. He just wouldn’t need permission anymore. If he didn’t have to deal with the President’s in competency each season, there’s a good chance that Jack could probably have the whole show wrapped up in like four hours.
7:06 AM – In a borderline Brokeback moment, the kid across the street offers Kumar his good luck necklace. I don’t know what to say about this. Did they only have fifty-nine minutes of storyline and needed some kind of filler?
7:16 AM – We learn that the woman who was Sandra Bullock’s sidekick in Miss Congeniality 2 is Wayne Palmer’s sister. You absolutely have to love the 24 casting department. I’m still waiting for the inevitable Scott Baio cameo.
7:30 AM – “WHERE IS FAYED!” The first Jack Bauer scream of the season!
Side Note: After just watching my Patriots pull off an improbable win against the Chargers in the playoffs, my voice is extremely raspy from all the screaming. Needless to say, my Jack Bauer impression is at an all-time high.
7:32 AM – A shaken Jack Bauer says, “I don’t know how to do this anymore”. Kiefer is clearly gunning for an Emmy this season.
7:39 AM – President Palmer’s sister is arrested for deleting files that the FBI wanted to search in the interest of protecting her client’s privacy. Look, I understand people want privacy, but when it comes to fighting terrorism, the government can abuse my privacy all they want. I’ve got nothing to hide. You think I care that Uncle Sam knows I got an A- in Calculus? Seriously, if it’s going to help you catch Osama, pry away.
7:40 AM – Kumar, the terrorist, kills a man. When the boy across the street stumbles upon the body, Kumar must hold him a gunpoint. Teary eyed, the boy replies, “But I never quit you.”
7:51 AM – Jack Bauer just sent a terrorist flying off a subway car a split second before his bomb exploded. We can easily expect at least 25 more moments like this before the day is over.
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 2 (Was pushing that terrorist off the subway really a kill when he was in the process of detonating a suicide bomb? I think the explosion killed him before hitting the ground did. And there’s a decent chance he might’ve survived the fall anyway. It’s very debatable, but Jack’s off to a very slow start. He was at least the last person to touch the terrorist before he died. We’ll credit him with the fatality.
The Following Takes Place Between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM:
8:05 AM – Fayed negotiates with the President, agreeing to cease the violence if he releases over 100 captive terrorists.
8:06 AM – President Palmer agrees to release the terrorists. Are you kidding me? This guy makes President Logan look like Steven Hawkins.
8:10 AM – Bauer just car-jacked a man by throwing him to the floor without even so much as an “I’m an Government Agent” explanation. I guess they don’t teach manners in Chinese prisons.
8:11 AM – Jack T-Bones the car of the terrorist that he and Assad are tailing, so that Assad, posing as a good Samaritan, can offer to drive him to his destination. Jack is wearing one of his trademark tight long-sleeved t-shirts. For somebody who’s just spent two years in a Chinese prison, he’s in pretty good shape! Do you see these people after 39 days of Survivor? You’d think they were a bunch of thirteen year old cheerleaders popping laxatives. Somehow Jack has managed to endure over 700 days of torture and malnourishment without losing an ounce of muscle mass.
8:14 AM – Kumar holds the family across the street hostage. It’s very hard to take a terrorist seriously when you’re constantly envisioning him smoking weed with Doogie Howser.
8:24 AM – Curtis, who’s been very distracted thus far, hints to Jack that he might not let Assad get away with his past crimes despite a pardon for his cooperation. Dun Dun Dun…
8:30 AM – President Palmer watches a live video feed of all the terrorists that he’s about to release. Do you see how many people that is? Are you seriously going to let that many terrorists go free? Unbelievable.
8:41 AM – Instead of following the terrorist and letting him lead them to Fayed like Jack had wanted, CTU decides to attempt to capture him in the hopes of getting him to talk. Unsurprisingly, the terrorist commits suicide. Seriously people, can we all just agree to let Jack run the show? How did this country not implode during his two years in China?
8:51 AM – When the father goes to pick up the package Kumar sent him for, the supplier asks for more cash. So the father tries to steal the package and ends up in a fight. After getting the upper hand, the father proceeds to beat the supplier’s head into the concrete floor repeatedly, probably killing him. Was I the only one who thought that was a little bit unnecessary?
8:59 AM – One of the guards in charge of the terrorists is in cahoots with Fayed, and helps a nuclear bomb specialist escape…
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 2
The Following Takes Place Between 9:00 AM and 10:00 AM:
9:05 AM – Another close up of Jack’s hand while he’s talking on the phone to the President. Gross.
9:07 AM – The escaped nuclear bomb specialist meets with Fayed. Eight minutes ago he was in an orange jumpsuit and running away on foot. Now he’s fully dressed and at the terrorist’s base. I’ll believe these time traveling incidents from Jack Bauer. There’s no way I’m buying that this sketchy-looking terrorist can pull it off.
9:17 AM – Chloe confronts Morris about his animosity towards Milo, the guy from The OC. Apparently Chloe and Milo had a thing in the past and Morris is still jealous about it. Men fighting over Chloe. Sorry, I just don’t get it.
9:19 AM – President Palmer meets with an Arab ambassador regarding the situation. Seeing as this scene appeared to have no point other than to introduce this ambassador, I don’t trust the guy. We’ll see if he rears his head again later.
9:25 AM – The President’ sister’s boy toy, who was taken into custody by the FBI, mingles with one of his fellow detainees, who starts talking about America paying for this before the day is over. Riiiiiiiight… I’m sure terrorists talk freely about their attacks with strangers all the time.
9:36 AM – Kumar is killed when Jack’s team raids the house. The FBI is really doing a great job with this whole “non-lethal force” concept.
9:47 AM – Chloe informs Jack that Curtis’ battalion was killed by Assad’s terrorist group in Iraq. Oh, it’s all coming together now!
9:47 AM – Curtis pulls a gun on Assad.
9:47 AM – “CURTIS, PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN! BY ORDER OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!”
9:48 AM – Holy. Frick’n. Cow. Jack just put a bullet in Curtis’ throat! The second most shocking death in 24 history, behind David Palmer. That one will never be topped.
9:49 AM – Jack Bauer vomited. I just thought you should know.
9:52 AM – The terrorists detonate a nuclear bomb. You gotta love 24. What other show has the terrorists actually detonate a nuke? They held back a little by not having the Brokeback kid get taken out, but the nuke more than made up for it.
9:53 AM – Footage of everyone watching the mushroom cloud in horror. TV shows and movies never get to me, but this scene is a little unnerving. Man, this show is awesome!
Jack Bauer’s Daily Kill Count: 3
